Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Things I need to say in response...

When I read your last email there were some things I wanted to say to you but I decided not too... I wasn't playing the game anymore so there was no point but I do feel a need to put my thoughts down...


You wrote...
This is not a competition about "grief" but at one stage you said to me ".. that the thing that hurt the most was that you didn't .. "get a chance to say goodbye"...THAT HURT TOO!!!..  the implication was that I was so luck because I did ..!!! ..Let me tell you that saying "Goodbye" is not what it's cracked up to be ..

I just wanted to say I never wanted a competition about grief... grief sucks and there is no way you can understand that unless you have gone through it, the thing is you don't want people to understand because it means they have loss someone special.  Grief and loss is not something that just happens with death... I am grieving over my loss of our relationship, over the loss of us and I wanted you to know that. 

I know what you have been through, I have listened and supported you through it and I know how hard it was saying goodbye... I'm not saying it was better or worse than what I went through, I was just saying that it hurts so much not saying goodbye... even after he was gone.... and I wish I was given that chance. 

You wrote....
I asked you to attend her funeral but you refused.

I was struggling through my own pain, I was not in a place to attend any funeral let alone the funeral of your wife but I did look at flights, I was closed to booking flights but I could not do it. 

I would have been a face in the crowd.
I would have been alone.
I would not have been able to support you in anyway. 
I would not have coped. 

I thought it made more sense to take the $750 and use it on a trip where I could spend time with you, I could listen to you, I could hold you, I could support you.... sorry if you thought I was being selfish

You wrote...
She did not do contribute in ANY WAY to her own suffering and death .. 

I guess because Ryan was driving and he took the corner too fast that he did contribute in some way... but why would you say it, why would you other than to hurt me... Either you are not the caring, kind man I thought or you are just trying to hurt me so I react and walk away... either way not nice

You wrote....

You supported me also and I have no idea where I would have been without
you, but that doesn't automatically turn it into a long term, exclusive,

I mentioned this in my goodbye email but I'm going to elaborate a little more... I wanted exclusivity, we had that even before so yes I wanted this but it is your words that made me start to think long term, the thought of long term scared me...

You wrote...Call me old fashioned but I have heard of breakups being done over Text, Email and phone and I tend to believe that they are a COWARDS way out, so regardless of the consequences I decided to tell you in person. I am now reconsidering that concept as clearly you (at least) feel it is what I should have been done.

I do appreciate that you wanted to tell me in person BUT why would you want to spend four nights with me if you were ending the relationship... because you wanted your cake and to eat it to. You should have organised to fly in, tell me and to fly out not to spend time with me, being part of my life, meeting people I know and then tearing my heart on it and stomping on it... you were not being naive, you were being selfish.

If you had flown in and then out... yes it would have hurt but it wouldn't have not done the damage to us that was done by you staying...

You wrote...
 Then you decided that I should take up my offer to change the ticket .. I even came out to ask you what time you wanted me to leave .. This was actually trying to give you a last opportunity to tell me to stay till Monday afternoon as planned, but you didn't take the opportunity, so the ticket was changed and that was that.

You were playing games, you knew how I was feeling... I was hurting and angry but you wanted me to read your mind and work out that you didn't want to fly home, even though we had sat at dinner and you had not been able to look at me let alone talk to me... honesty is an amazing thing and you need to say what you are thinking and not expect people to just understand
You wrote...
At the airport I hoped you would park the car and we could have a reasonable conversation in the time remaining but you stopped in the drop off zone and basically told me to "GET OUT".. I walked about ten paces then turned and watched you drive away. As far as I was aware you didn't even look my way or watch me go. 
 At that point I didn't expect to see or hear from you again.
I pulled up at the drop zone, you didn't say please park the car
You went to kiss me, I said no, don't 
You got out of the car and walked away, I watched you go
When you didn't look back, I then drove off
I started driving and then I rang you... not once did you reach out to me
I said it before honesty is an  amazing thing
You wrote...
OK, I only met one of your friends and didn't take opportunities when they came up but you forced an ordinal condition on the meetings and I was totally unsure of their likely reactions to me .. They all sounded lovely but I was seriously worried in the drinking culture and various other (now totally petty) thoughts and worries, most of which I can't even think of now. I heard from you several times having drunk too much, seen the result your drinking first hand on at least one (possibly two) occasions and that too worried me 
My friends and ME are different from your world... just like your friends and YOU are different from my world but you didn't give them a chance, I will never understand why and it hurts. You attend a Christian church but by not trying with my friends you did not show a Christian attiude. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car...
You once said that you would have trouble explaining to the people in your life my tattoos... that comment scared me because it meant that I would be judged by physical appearance and not given a chance. My friends are a weird mob but the one thing they would never do is judge anyone by their physical appearance... I was never worried about you meeting my friends because they would accept you, you were with me and made me happy.
Yes you did see the result of my drinking first hand and yes I do come from a drinking culture but that is only a very small part of my life and not something that is an issue for me... obviously for you it was just another thing.

I am glad that I have written this, I am also glad that I did not send this to you... I don't think you would had liked what I had to say and would have written a lot of it off as anger...  I am not angry, hurt but not angry. 

Having written it down and read it back, it does make you sound very selfish and self-centered... that is not the man that I love. You are a kind, caring, considerate man and that is the man that I love... yes, present tense... I still love you and probably always will but I have let you go.

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