Friday, July 5, 2013

Lost...


In my last email I wrote about how I felt after each thing that has happened... blindsided. I need you to understand how hard being blindsided is for me...

Last year I lost my boy, my one and only gorgeous boy... I am suffering another loss at the moment... not as great as the loss that I suffered last year but a loss

I was picked up from my world and dropped in a deep, dark forest. I could only see one foot in front of me and I followed that path, never moving from it and just kept on going. Right from that day I couldn't see anyone but I could hear people there for me, calling my name, showing their love and support. I couldn't see the trees around me, I couldn't see the path other than that one foot in front of me and even though I knew I had amazing people there for me I couldn't see them... 

You were the one thing, the one person that gave me hope that lit that path a little bit further than one foot in front of me. You guided me, you gave me hope... right from day one. You gave me hope because you loved me, you were there for me... not because I believed that we had a future, not because of expectations of anything more. 

Last October, six months on, I felt that the small light showing me that foot in front of me was gone... I was in a completely dark forest... I couldn't see up or down, let alone left or right. I struggled with the most basic of tasks. I kept going, one foot after the other but I felt I was getting nowhere, I kept stumbling and when I got up I wondered what direction I was heading in. I become completely lost. 

I know that in December you were picked up and dropped in your own forest... trying to find your own path. I did my best to help you, to guide you, to give you hope and a guiding light... hard to do when I couldn't see my own path...

I don't know how when we were in separate forests but I found your light again and I regained hope...

When you blindsided me for the first time that light was knocked away from me... I was able to find my way up and then I found your light again, hope was back, I could see again but with each knock that light gets dimmer

I now feel I am back in that forest, with no light... complete darkness, not knowing up or down, left or right and no idea what direction I am heading in. I still hear those voices of those that love me, care for me and support me... they surround me... they keep me going and one day I will reach them.

I let you in for your light, you keep knocking that light away from me, each time it gets dimmer and each time I wonder if I should believe in it. At this stage I keep on looking for it because my love for you gives me hope... that the person who I love and loved me is there to help through. 

My question for you though is do you think you can hold that light for me, support me or are you going to keep on knocking me down.

I am not asking for a relationship... I am asking for a friendship, for your support, for your respect and in return you get my friendship, support and respect. 




No comments: