Saturday, June 29, 2013

Day 13...

We spoke yesterday... It was hard because I was so torn. It was wonderful to hear your voice but it hurt as well.

We did the casual chat which at times was a little awkward but we did okay until you said that you were sorry...

Yes, I'm hurting and yes you caused that but if we are going to have any sort of friendship WE need to let it go.

I'm trying to be your friend but I'm struggling a little... I said in a text yesterday "if you want me in your life as a friend you need to at least meet me in the middle and work at it". Looking back at our relationship I now feel I gave more than you did... I'm not  having a go at you but I do feel that for us to work at any level you need to work more at it.

At the moment we are really only talking F1... It's a starting point, lets see how we go, I feel at the moment we are scared to venture too far into other subjects.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Day 11...

You have cut me out of your life...

Yesterday I accidentally sent you a text...
I then sent an email apologising..,
I got no reply from you...

I didn't mean to send you a text but it hurts I got no reply...


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Day 10...

I feel like such a fool...

Us, our relationship meant a lot to me... I believe I did everything I could for us but now I wonder if I was reading more into us then there ever was, I believed your words...

Were they just words to you...
Did you mean any of them...

I have re-read text messages and emails, I still believes those words so I feel like such a fool because you couldn't have meant them or I wouldn't be feeling like this now...

Did you mean any of them....

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Day 9..,

I still don't understand what happened....
I still din't understand why you would end something that worked so well.

 I have taken all but one of the photos of us off my phone but I look at that one photo and we look so happy. It was taken at Vivid and not only do we look happy, I am sure we were happy...

I do wonder how you are feeling....
Part of me hopes that you are doing okay and not feeling like I am...  the thought that we are both feeling this bad makes no sense
Part of me hopes that you are missing me and am feeling awful... if you're not then what we had was nothing

Monday, June 24, 2013

Grief and loss...

Grief is a hard thing... only someone who has or is experiencing it can understand it but even then it is different for everyone...

Fourteen months ago I lost my boy, my one and only son... the journey has been difficult and hard but I thought I was getting stronger. How very wrong I am

I know that I am fragile at the moment, I'm suffering another loss at the moment... the loss of you... and that makes everything so much harder

Tonight's news was tough... six fatals in the last forty-eight hours... the tears are freely falling, I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I feel like I have taken a huge backward step

I need a hug

Day 8..,

I miss you...

I miss sharing things with you, not even the big things but just everyday things... you have been such a big, loving, supportive part of my life and I miss that.

Today I was looking after Trent while Mum and Dad were off at Dad's treatment and I took some photos... my first emotion was excitement at the  thought sharing them with you, my second emotion hurt because I can't.

For years I have carried my phone everywhere with me because it has been a lifeline to you, every time my phone dinged with a message I was excited hoping it was you... and I would be so happy to see your name. Now my phone dings and I feel disappointed...

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Truth...

The ones we love have the power to hurt us the most...

Day 7...

It is a week today since I walked away from you at the airport...
It is a week today since I last had contact from you, a simple text "Goodbye .. xoxo"

I have spent the week hurting, missing you...
I will continue to hurt and miss you.

Last night though I realised we can't play the game and we need to have no contact... for two reasons, for us to move on but also for us to have a chance at any sort of a future relationship, even friendship.

I don't want anyone else... I want you but I now am really letting you go, so even if you pick up that ball and want to play you are alone.

I believe our paths will cross again, the question is when they do will it be right for both of us...

I still miss you...

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Day 6...

No contact from you...
I feel very alone....
I miss you.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Day 5....

I sent you the DVD, you should receive it today...

I now wonder if I will get a response from you...
I now wonder if I want a response from you...
I now wonder how I will feel if I get a response from you...
I now wonder how I will feel if I don't get a response from you...

I feel the ball is in your court... the question is are we going to play?

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Day 4...

This time last week I sat here at work on this very shift so very excited... it was only hours until you arrived in my hometown , you were coming to me, we were going to have four wonderful nights together....

You arrived, flowers, smiles, hugs, kisses, sex... I felt good, as always it felt right when we were together

When we were together it has always felt right...

For me what we had was something I had never had before, it started as something I knew, a physical relationship, but it grew so quickly to something more... We had a connection or so I thought. 

Your actions last weekend have made me wonder if in your mind our relationship ever changed to anything more than a physical relationship 

I believe if I was to ask you that you would say yes, of course our relationship was more than just physical but now I wonder if that is the truth and how much was ever true...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Day 3...

Is it getting easier... NO!!!

I'm hurting and the person I normally turn to is the same person that is causing that pain... I do have others surrounding me, trying to help and support me but it is not the same.

I want to ring you, I want to talk to you but I know it will do neither of us any good... I have to let you go.

I recorded a show on Foxtel for you, I have put it on DVD, it is in my bag.... I want to send it to you but I know I shouldn't.

I think of you all the time and I'm left wondering if you are thinking of me...

I miss you

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Morning of day 2....

I'm back at work... I'm dreading the day because I'm going to be asked the question "how was your weekend"!!! Everyone knew my plans, I sat here all day Friday with the flowers you gave me so of course they asked and of course I told them... I was happy and excited.

What a fool I am....

Monday, June 17, 2013

1 day gone...

A day has passed since you walked away and I had to let you go... I miss you.

I am respecting your decision and not contacting you... I need to be strong. Being strong sounds easy but it's not I'm struggling and feel I have no one to turn to, normally when I feel like this I turn to YOU and YOU make me feel better... even from afar.

I don't understand your decision... We work, we make each other happy, we are so good together but you are walking away from that.

I know that you had your concerns about me moving... what if it didn't work, what if I didn't like your hometown, what if I missed my hometown... all things that I had thought of but a risk I would take for us.

I know you feel that you need a break between our past and our future .. not for us but for everyone else in your life... our past is always going to be there so I don't understand this.

I am sorry about how I reacted over the weekend... but the hurt and pain took over... Sorry.