Sunday, August 18, 2013

contact...

You sent me a card a few weeks ago before Ry's birthday, there was limited contact when I texted you back

I sent you a card last week before Anne's birthday, there was more contact when you texted me back

I got the job
I am moving
I am going to tell you
the question is when...

I have already said that I don't know what the future holds....

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Paths...

I've applied for a job in Sydney...
I am feeling confident...
I wish it had come up a few months ago, things may have been different...

But as I always said me moving was about ME, you were a bonus.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Contact

Today I was given an envelope that had been delivered to work, one look and all I saw was your handwriting.... I don't know how I felt, my breath caught and my heart skipped a beat... I was surprised and even after everything that has happened you have an affect on me.

Opening the envelope I discovered a card...

Printed on the card...  Thinking of you... Like I always do

You added... But particularly at this difficult time. My thoughts are truly with you today ... xox M

Thank you, it means a lot that you have made the effort... I thanked you in a text, I wanted to ring you but I didn't think it best... I miss you and calling I don't think would be a good idea.

Maybe soon I will ring or maybe I won't...

I have let you go, I no longer have thoughts of US, not to say that I don't miss US but I know that it is unlikely to happen... I won't say never but I will say there is a lot of re-building to get a friendship back let alone anything else, the card was a first step...

We never know what the future holds though....

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Different aspects


I was away on the weekend, I went exploring, walking through wildness just me and my camera and my thoughts turned to you... it is only in the last few months that we did things like that. We went to the zoo, a walk over the rocks at Bondi... most of our times were spent alone and inside, the few times we ventured out I did enjoy.

I believe that we could have had it all...
a relationship that was amazing when we were alone but also when we were in a crowd or with friends.
a relationship where we knew almost everything about each other, sides that we had hidden from many others in our lives.
a relationship that continued to grow.

I still believe that is what we had but it did involve taking a chance and you were not ready to take that chance.

You are a special man, I know because I saw so many different aspects of you and though they are all different, they are all special. I also know that many of those aspects were not known to most people in your life... I hope that you find or have found someone that you allow to see all aspects, don't settle for less

 I hope to find it myself one day but it will take time to trust again... I do wish that we could have had it but it is not to be...

Monday, July 22, 2013

Knelt...

“The rain to the wind said,
You push and I'll pelt.'
They so smote the garden bed
That the flowers actually knelt,
And lay lodged--though not dead.
I know how the flowers felt.”
― Robert Frost

Friday, July 19, 2013

Passion

pas·sion


/ˈpaSHən/Noun

1.Strong and barely controllable emotion.

2.A state or outburst of such emotion



Our relationship was full of passion and I am glad of that... unfortunately the end of our relationship was full of passion, even though you say it just cemented your decision I do not regret that either.   The passion that we shared was special and I thank you for that. I do hope that I am able to experience that level of passion again

Monday, July 15, 2013

Bad day

Bad day and I could do with a hug...
The fact that I can't get one from you just makes it worse

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Annoyed

I am annoyed at you...

I am having a casual day,
casual plans, not really doing anything...
casual clothes, just relaxing...

I need a jacket, I wanted something casual, I thought of my Ferrari jacket and then I remembered you have it.

That annoys me... I don't regret that I gave it to you but it annoys me that you have it and I don't have you

Advice...



I saw this and thought of you, good advice and I wish I was able to have given it to you earlier...

You said you were going to stay... but it wasn't forever
you said you were going to leave.. but you wanted to stay
You talked and said a lot... but did you mean anything you said


Friday, July 12, 2013

Plans...

Just over 5 weeks ago we talked about you meeting my friends for the first time... it meant a lot to me that you were going to make the effort, take that step.

That meeting would have been this weekend... I am now glad that I hadn't planned that trip and booked flights and accommodation... it would had been an un-necessary expense.

Instead I have a weekend at home...
A weekend where I'm turning on the light and trying to see the trees in the forest... I'm not ready for following any paths but looking around me, the light is still dim.

I'm trying to move on... it is hard, I think of you often, I think of where you are and what you are doing. In the end you told me one of the problems was I knew what you were doing, where you were and what you planned... you are right I did but be aware that you created that.

This weekend I meeting new people... a photo get together with fellow 365ers, a Christmas in July party with new friends.  I'm trying to move on... I'm not ready for a new relationship, I need time to recover, I need time to let go... I need time to learn to trust again

That will be the hard thing... I let you in, I trusted you and you abused that, not just by ending our relationship but by somethings you said so I need time to learn to trust again

Just over 5 weeks ago we were planning ahead...
Just under 4 weeks ago you were ending our relationship...

No wonder I was blindsided..,


Thursday, July 11, 2013

If I ever see you again...

I don't know if I will ever see you again...

If I do see you again I don't know when that will be... you always said that you don't come here often so I expect it won't be here and we travel in different circles when in in your hometown

If I do see you again I don't know how you will react... you may walk away from me without acknowledging me

If I do see you again I do know that I will acknowledge you... I don't know if it will be with indifference or with affection

If I do see you again I do know it won't be with anger.... I know my original reaction was anger but I was only feeling and seeing the pain of the end of us. Now the pain is there but I also  remember the good times, the support, the love and I thank you for that.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Things I need to say in response...

When I read your last email there were some things I wanted to say to you but I decided not too... I wasn't playing the game anymore so there was no point but I do feel a need to put my thoughts down...

So...

You wrote...
This is not a competition about "grief" but at one stage you said to me ".. that the thing that hurt the most was that you didn't .. "get a chance to say goodbye"...THAT HURT TOO!!!..  the implication was that I was so luck because I did ..!!! ..Let me tell you that saying "Goodbye" is not what it's cracked up to be ..

I just wanted to say I never wanted a competition about grief... grief sucks and there is no way you can understand that unless you have gone through it, the thing is you don't want people to understand because it means they have loss someone special.  Grief and loss is not something that just happens with death... I am grieving over my loss of our relationship, over the loss of us and I wanted you to know that. 

I know what you have been through, I have listened and supported you through it and I know how hard it was saying goodbye... I'm not saying it was better or worse than what I went through, I was just saying that it hurts so much not saying goodbye... even after he was gone.... and I wish I was given that chance. 

You wrote....
I asked you to attend her funeral but you refused.

I was struggling through my own pain, I was not in a place to attend any funeral let alone the funeral of your wife but I did look at flights, I was closed to booking flights but I could not do it. 

I would have been a face in the crowd.
I would have been alone.
I would not have been able to support you in anyway. 
I would not have coped. 

I thought it made more sense to take the $750 and use it on a trip where I could spend time with you, I could listen to you, I could hold you, I could support you.... sorry if you thought I was being selfish

You wrote...
She did not do contribute in ANY WAY to her own suffering and death .. 

I guess because Ryan was driving and he took the corner too fast that he did contribute in some way... but why would you say it, why would you other than to hurt me... Either you are not the caring, kind man I thought or you are just trying to hurt me so I react and walk away... either way not nice

You wrote....

You supported me also and I have no idea where I would have been without
you, but that doesn't automatically turn it into a long term, exclusive,
relationship. 


I mentioned this in my goodbye email but I'm going to elaborate a little more... I wanted exclusivity, we had that even before so yes I wanted this but it is your words that made me start to think long term, the thought of long term scared me...


You wrote...Call me old fashioned but I have heard of breakups being done over Text, Email and phone and I tend to believe that they are a COWARDS way out, so regardless of the consequences I decided to tell you in person. I am now reconsidering that concept as clearly you (at least) feel it is what I should have been done.


I do appreciate that you wanted to tell me in person BUT why would you want to spend four nights with me if you were ending the relationship... because you wanted your cake and to eat it to. You should have organised to fly in, tell me and to fly out not to spend time with me, being part of my life, meeting people I know and then tearing my heart on it and stomping on it... you were not being naive, you were being selfish.

If you had flown in and then out... yes it would have hurt but it wouldn't have not done the damage to us that was done by you staying...

You wrote...
 Then you decided that I should take up my offer to change the ticket .. I even came out to ask you what time you wanted me to leave .. This was actually trying to give you a last opportunity to tell me to stay till Monday afternoon as planned, but you didn't take the opportunity, so the ticket was changed and that was that.

You were playing games, you knew how I was feeling... I was hurting and angry but you wanted me to read your mind and work out that you didn't want to fly home, even though we had sat at dinner and you had not been able to look at me let alone talk to me... honesty is an amazing thing and you need to say what you are thinking and not expect people to just understand
You wrote...
At the airport I hoped you would park the car and we could have a reasonable conversation in the time remaining but you stopped in the drop off zone and basically told me to "GET OUT".. I walked about ten paces then turned and watched you drive away. As far as I was aware you didn't even look my way or watch me go. 
 At that point I didn't expect to see or hear from you again.
I pulled up at the drop zone, you didn't say please park the car
You went to kiss me, I said no, don't 
You got out of the car and walked away, I watched you go
When you didn't look back, I then drove off
I started driving and then I rang you... not once did you reach out to me
I said it before honesty is an  amazing thing
You wrote...
OK, I only met one of your friends and didn't take opportunities when they came up but you forced an ordinal condition on the meetings and I was totally unsure of their likely reactions to me .. They all sounded lovely but I was seriously worried in the drinking culture and various other (now totally petty) thoughts and worries, most of which I can't even think of now. I heard from you several times having drunk too much, seen the result your drinking first hand on at least one (possibly two) occasions and that too worried me 
My friends and ME are different from your world... just like your friends and YOU are different from my world but you didn't give them a chance, I will never understand why and it hurts. You attend a Christian church but by not trying with my friends you did not show a Christian attiude. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car...
You once said that you would have trouble explaining to the people in your life my tattoos... that comment scared me because it meant that I would be judged by physical appearance and not given a chance. My friends are a weird mob but the one thing they would never do is judge anyone by their physical appearance... I was never worried about you meeting my friends because they would accept you, you were with me and made me happy.
Yes you did see the result of my drinking first hand and yes I do come from a drinking culture but that is only a very small part of my life and not something that is an issue for me... obviously for you it was just another thing.

I am glad that I have written this, I am also glad that I did not send this to you... I don't think you would had liked what I had to say and would have written a lot of it off as anger...  I am not angry, hurt but not angry. 

Having written it down and read it back, it does make you sound very selfish and self-centered... that is not the man that I love. You are a kind, caring, considerate man and that is the man that I love... yes, present tense... I still love you and probably always will but I have let you go.
 

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Day 21.... Flashbacks....


One of the things about a long distance relationship is you hold on to memories and now that the long distance relationship is over one of the hard things is those memories...

Even though you were not often in my hometown it is surprising how often I see something that reminds me of you...

Often I will go to my closet to choose what to wear and I am reminded of you...

Songs and photos remind me of you...

I will learn to see those things again without them reminding me of you but it is hard.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Goodbye


I would have liked to have talked to you about my email and discuss it with you but that was not to be so I thank you for your email.

I understand the journey that you have been on over the last two years… I didn’t travel it beside you or for all of it but I travelled that path, I did my best to support you and to help you and I do not regret any of it.

At no stage in the last seven and half years, including the last six months did I ever see us as a long term, exclusive relationship, I don’t think that you believe that but it is the truth.

To me, what we had was special… a loving, caring, supportive relationship… I would have been happy for that to have continued.  I know when this begun I was the other woman and accepted that position, when Anne passed away that changed but at no stage did I see myself replacing her.

Over the last six months you have talked about holidays but you have also implied and talked about me being a “kept” woman… that was more than “getting to know” options… your words were obviously different from your thoughts and feelings.

You have given me little choice when it came to accepting your conditions in regard to our relationship and you exploring your options… I did my best to let you explore but when there is great passion there is great reactions, good and bad. I don’t apologise for my emotions even if it has just made you more sure of your decision.

I don’t doubt that you have a connection with Janette and I wish the two of you all the best for the future… things concern me though and it may be none of my business to say anything but I am going to anyway, it is up to you if you listen or ignore what I say.

 You say that the connection is the same that you experienced forty years ago but yet you were happy to have me as the other woman… that says to me that the connection is not the same or you have become a lot more selfish as you have got older.

You said that if I had been in Sydney then Janette would not have been an issue and you would have stuck to your first decision… if the connection was that strong you would not have made your first decision.

I understand what you are saying that our history is a serious liability and I do wonder if that has more to do with your decision than your connection with Janette.

You are probably sitting there reading this and shaking your head and dismissing my comments that is entirely up to you but I am just telling you how I feel.

We are two totally different people and that has scared me for a very long time but I always believed that we could get pass that because we worked together, we made each other happy. You were obviously scared by that as well but unlike me you didn’t feel what we had was enough and that is why you didn’t make the effort for me with my friends, thank you for telling me now but I wish you did do it earlier.

As I said I do wish you all the best in life and happiness… if that is with Janette then all the best… just be honest with everyone in your life, your partner, your friends and your children but more than anything be honest with yourself. Look after yourself first but think about others… sometimes friendship means thinking about what you say and how it will affect others, it is respect.

 I understand the ball is in my court… it is sitting there and I have decided to leave it sitting there, the game has been hurting me and I have had enough so I am not playing it, hitting it wide, letting it go past or targeting the back of your head… I am walking away from the game. I should have walked away before now but I didn’t and that has resulted in some severe damage been done to our relationship and to me.

Maybe one day we can sit and have a drink or a meal and be friends but that is not going to happen anytime soon…

At  some stage I will start to see the trees that make up the forest, I will see the many paths out of the forest and I will decide which path I will take… for now you can’t stand at the edge of the forest, you can’t shine a beacon and you can’t call out to me. Don’t worry about me… I will be okay. I have been in the darkness before and I found my way and this is no different, I don’t know how long it will take but I will be okay.

So this is goodbye, you will be in my thoughts but for now that is all you can be. Thank you for our time together, your support and your love.

T x

Your reply...


Dear T..

You say I "blind-sided" you .. Maybe I did .. but to some extent you were just NOT looking with your eyes open .. to use your analogy .. you were in a dark forest.

This is not a competition about "grief" but at one stage you said to me ".. that the thing that hurt the most was that you didn't .. "get a chance to say goodbye"...THAT HURT TOO!!!..  the implication was that I was so luck because I did ..!!! ..Let me tell you that saying "Goodbye" is not what it's cracked up to be ..

You have asked the question so I am going to try and give you an answer .it may not be what you expect (or really want!) but an answer never the less.

I would just like to review what I have been through in just over 2 years.

1) Nov 2010 .. My mother suddenly and unexpectedly dies (I lost my father about 20 years ago)

2) Jun 2011 .. Arguably my best friend of 40 years is diagnosed with Leukaemia. (50/50 life expectancy of 5years)

3) Sep 2011 .. my wife of 35 years goes down with a sudden and unexpected illness.

4) Oct 2011 .. my wife is miss diagnosed with a non-critical disease .. (I am chastised by the specialist for asking a clarification of "Is this a life threatening illness?".)

5) Oct 2011 .. a) While I am stranded 2000Km from my wife by the Qantas strike ..Anne undergoes the first of MANY bone marrow biopsy's .. a procedure involving the drilling into her hip bone, a 4mm hole and removing a core sample of the bone marrow for biopsy. (This procedure has no effective pain relief (short of total anathesia) and the pain is described as "worse than child birth". Over the next 12 months she underwent this procedure another 10 or 11 further times)

b) her diagnosis is reviewed and she is inform that her true problem is "potentially life threatening!"

6) Nov 2011 .. My wife is diagnosed with Burkett's Lymphoma .. "Untreated life expectancy of 2-3 weeks."

She starts first of 6x three week cycles of chemo therapy treatments, with side effects described as "some of the most serious, unpleasant and painful used in modern cancer treatment".

Her Prognosis with chemo therapy given as 80% chance of full cure, with long term (> 5year) life expectancy.

7) Feb 2012 .. My best Friend's treatment fails and his prognosis drops to a "90% against" chance of a life expectancy of more than 12 months.

8) Apr 2012 .. My wife is "all but" declared cured of her disease..(one more test and 1 month to wait)

9) Apr 2012 .. a) My Father-in-law is rushed to Hospital with a confirmed stroke.

b) My Mother-in-law is admitted to the same hospital as there is no one to care for her in her advanced state of Parkinson's disease.

c) My wife (still not defined as in remission), rushes to Queensland to help with care.

d) On being released from Hospital .. Anne's Mother suddenly dies at home in the arms of Anne and her father.

e) Your son  is killed in car accident.

10) May 2012 .. a) Funerals held for my wife's Mother and your son.

b) My wife begins to complain of breathing difficulty.

c) My wife is taken to emergency and then after having had a camera passed down her nose to her throat, CT scans & MRI ..undergoes emergency surgery to remove a new tumour from her throat.

d) whilst preparing for this procedure, my wife stops breathing due to the obstruction and is only saved but an alert surgeon who cuts into her throat to install a breathing tube without her having any form of anasetic and fully conscious through the ordeal, though unable to breath and within seconds of death or serious brain injury. Anne was able to describe this event in detail, including the words used by the surgeon, the fading sensation of loss of consciousness and the relief of the first breath.

 e) My wife's prognosis dropped to 100% terminal, with a life expectancy of "Days to weeks, NOT weeks to months"

f) My 3 children enter shock and disbelief and one required psychotherapy counselling.

 g) We (Anne, Me & children) started a worldwide search for experimental and alternative potential treatments to improve Anne's Prognosis.

11) Jun 2012 .. a)We find one last untried option which had been used in a study in Canada & another in Korea. My wife begins a new set of rounds of Chemo Therapy with virtually no expectation of any significant improvement in life expectancy.

b) My wife undergoes Radio therapy on her throat which is described as "feeling like swallowing razor blades".. duration of therapy of over two weeks plus a further two week of "recovery".

12) Aug 2012 .. My wife is diagnosed with pneumonia and begins antibiotic treatment with an expectation of having no effect. Chemo is suspended due to being incompatible with treatment for pneumonia.

13) Oct 2012 .. a) Chemo therapy resumed but a tumour is shown to now be resistant to chemo and so Radiation therapy is started in an attempt to improve the life expectancy.

  b) Anne and I sit helplessly knowing a time bomb is ticking in her body.

14) Nov 2012 .. a) Preparations are started to undertake other trial experimental chemo therapy treatments in Melbourne (earliest start date Jan 2013)

  b) Tumours appear in abdominal region

  c) one week after detection the tumours are described as "Multiple tumour varying from 10mm to 100mm in diameter".

  d) Anne begins to have difficulty eating, keeping food down & drinking fluids

  e) Prognosis drops to "less than a month".

    f) Palliative care regime begins.

15) Dec 2012 .. a) Tumours grow to make eating impossible, breathing difficult and PAIN everywhere and an appearance of being approx. 6 months pregnant.

     b) My wife begins to starve to death, in pain, before my eyes.

     c) My wife DIES in my arms, and I can do NOTHING to even help relieve the pain and discomfort.

     d) I asked you to attend her funeral but you refused.

     e) I take part in my third close family member's funeral in just over 2 years.

16) Feb 2013 .. My closest long term friend dies and I attend yet another Funeral.

17) Jun 2013 .. Two of my children are showing serious signs of stress at the loss of their mother and the emotional issues this entails

In just over 2 years I have NOT had the chance to said "goodbye" to .. My Mother, your son (from afar), My mother-in-Law, and my best mate of 40 years standing but I did get the chance to watch my wife go through the most painful set of procedures you can imagine, wither away to nothing and then starve to death before my eyes ..

Your suffering now .. regardless of how it feels .. IS NOTHING to what I experienced watching my wife go through this over her last 12 months ..

sorry .. but that is the way it is.

She did not do contribute in ANY WAY to her own suffering and death ..

Now .. in a matter of two or three months, you expect me to make rational decisions and complain that I miss led you ..

I have tried to support you over the last 12 months and I am glad I was able to help you thru your "forest" in some small way .. I did know where you were coming from through fresh personal experience and I consciously attempted to do that for you regardless of my issues .. But all the time..

in the back of my head .. I knew that I was wrong to keep you in my life and should have let you move away when you offered originally at the time Anne first got sick.. I was being selfish!!

You supported me also and I have no idea where I would have been without you, but that doesn't automatically turn it into a long term, exclusive, relationship.

You argue that our history is a strong asset .. but in fact (from where I stand) our history is in fact a serious liability. I explained that I have great difficulty separating our previous life from our current status. Do you not see the conflict ..!!!!

I started to go back to dancing in February and found it very comforting and great therapy. I warned you that I wanted to "explore my options" and that I had been surprised at the response of some women. I also told you that I was NOT going to tell you about every conversation I might have, but I promised I would be honest with you.

You appeared to accept these conditions, all be that you had little choice ..

You asked for honesty and "to give us a go" .. I WAS honest and I did give us a go..!!

Our time together in March this year was unbelievably relaxing and being with you without having to keep an eye over my shoulder was a very pleasant change indeed .. I loved it .. but it was not without its tension if you remember and that started to ring alarm bells in my head.

I talked of plans later in the year as further "getting to know you holidays" .. but that is what they always were .. "getting to know you holidays" .. NOTHING MORE .. there were no promises and I thought you understood that.

But then I came back from my trip and I met Janette. This came totally out of left field and though you and I had had an unbelievable connection, I am afraid I have not had a connection with someone like her since I met a timid 17 year old 40 years ago.

I WAS honest with you .. (true .. I am not sure I was going to tell you that I already slept with Janette) but I WAS going to tell you that I was seeing her over the weekend and, in the end, I DID tell you what had happened when you asked. You acknowledge that I warned you it might happen, but then Janette took me by completely surprise, and I can understand that it did the same for you.

Your reaction was out of all proportion for what I expected given that you had basically asked me to tell you every detail if something happened and accepted what I had asked.. SEX had never been specifically mentioned ..maybe implied but not mentioned.. That also scared me again and the anger worried me.

Regardless .. I broke off with Janette when I told you .. We discussed it in person and then I sent an email .. I still have the email and if you ask me to send it to you, I will. (though I don't think you have any right to see it really.) In the following days I met Janette at two (I think) dances and we DID NOT go to bed together in that period. The trouble was that she was so lovely every time and I began to feel I had made a mistake.

I mentioned this to you and again you "hit the roof" while Janette accepted the decision and had begun to move on .. telling me .. "Just make a decision .. BUT MEAN IT .!!!"

My alarm at your responses was growing even though I could see where you were coming from every time ..

I then decided to reconsidered all my options and resolved to make it clear to you that I HAD made a decision. I make no secret that I deliberately tried not to hint at my answer and told you I would tell you over the weekend. Janette was given the same information but she was NOT going to know the answer until AFTER you had been told.

Call me old fashioned but I have heard of breakups being done over Text, Email and phone and I tend to believe that they are a COWARDS way out, so regardless of the consequences I decided to tell you in person.

I am now reconsidering that concept as clearly you (at least) feel it is what I should have been done.

I had hoped that the weekend would be relaxed and enjoyable (very naive I

know) until I told you and then I had no idea how you would respond. I guess I hoped that you would accept the decision and make the most of the time we had together .. (Totally naive of me I now see) ..

Again your reaction (though not the worst I had thought possible) was pretty hard to take and ironically for you, the more you screamed, the more I believed I was making the best decision now.

I found myself confirming my decision every time I tried to open my mouth..

Everything I said was interpreted as a negative and seemed to result in shouting and yelling. I eventually decided to just keep my mouth shut and ride it out. Every outburst only made me surer that I was now making the better decision.

Then you decided that I should take up my offer to change the ticket .. I even came out to ask you what time you wanted me to leave .. This was actually trying to give you a last opportunity to tell me to stay till Monday afternoon as planned, but you didn't take the opportunity, so the ticket was changed and that was that.

At the airport I hoped you would park the car and we could have a reasonable conversation in the time remaining but you stopped in the drop off zone and basically told me to "GET OUT".. I walked about ten paces then turned and watched you drive away. As far as I was aware you didn't even look my way or watch me go.

At that point I didn't expect to see or hear from you again.

 
I genuinely believed that we could be friends, share F1 and support each other, even possibly meet at F1 in Melbourne and share some meals and the race. I now see that any or all of this is now unlikely to occur.

As far as meeting Janette's family .. That is none of your business.. You asked!

OK, I only met one of your friends and didn't take opportunities when they came up but you forced an ordinal condition on the meetings and I was totally unsure of their likely reactions to me .. They all sounded lovely but I was seriously worried in the drinking culture and various other (now totally petty) thoughts and worries, most of which I can't even think of now. I heard from you several times having drunk too much, seen the result your drinking first hand on at least one (possibly two) occasions and that too worried me.

 I honestly thought I was doing all the right things and trying to let you down slowly and gently. I could see myself only going deeper into the dangerous and unknown if I continued.

Friends have open conversations, usually nothing is taboo, but conversations with you at the moment are .. restrained .. difficult and unsatisfying. I understand that with time these may relax but I feel that ANY word of Janette, spoken or implied, will be received badly and it will all start again.

I am prepared to stand at the edge of your forest and shine a beacon towards you, in the hope that it helps you find your way out, (near but not with your friends) but I am afraid I have made my decision and it is NOT going to change.. I CANNOT explain it any more.

 The ball is in your court .. you can play it, hit it wide, let it go past, you can even target the back of my head (but I suspect you may know the outcome of that) .. it's up to you.

I think at this time, we should restrict our conversation to emails for a while if that is the direction you wish to go..

 I am now way out of time so I have to go .. I have received your text just now but I am now about to send this so it will be my reply.

I am thinging of you truly and I do feel and worry for you ..

Please come out of the forest..

M

Friday, July 5, 2013

Lost...


In my last email I wrote about how I felt after each thing that has happened... blindsided. I need you to understand how hard being blindsided is for me...

Last year I lost my boy, my one and only gorgeous boy... I am suffering another loss at the moment... not as great as the loss that I suffered last year but a loss

I was picked up from my world and dropped in a deep, dark forest. I could only see one foot in front of me and I followed that path, never moving from it and just kept on going. Right from that day I couldn't see anyone but I could hear people there for me, calling my name, showing their love and support. I couldn't see the trees around me, I couldn't see the path other than that one foot in front of me and even though I knew I had amazing people there for me I couldn't see them... 

You were the one thing, the one person that gave me hope that lit that path a little bit further than one foot in front of me. You guided me, you gave me hope... right from day one. You gave me hope because you loved me, you were there for me... not because I believed that we had a future, not because of expectations of anything more. 

Last October, six months on, I felt that the small light showing me that foot in front of me was gone... I was in a completely dark forest... I couldn't see up or down, let alone left or right. I struggled with the most basic of tasks. I kept going, one foot after the other but I felt I was getting nowhere, I kept stumbling and when I got up I wondered what direction I was heading in. I become completely lost. 

I know that in December you were picked up and dropped in your own forest... trying to find your own path. I did my best to help you, to guide you, to give you hope and a guiding light... hard to do when I couldn't see my own path...

I don't know how when we were in separate forests but I found your light again and I regained hope...

When you blindsided me for the first time that light was knocked away from me... I was able to find my way up and then I found your light again, hope was back, I could see again but with each knock that light gets dimmer

I now feel I am back in that forest, with no light... complete darkness, not knowing up or down, left or right and no idea what direction I am heading in. I still hear those voices of those that love me, care for me and support me... they surround me... they keep me going and one day I will reach them.

I let you in for your light, you keep knocking that light away from me, each time it gets dimmer and each time I wonder if I should believe in it. At this stage I keep on looking for it because my love for you gives me hope... that the person who I love and loved me is there to help through. 

My question for you though is do you think you can hold that light for me, support me or are you going to keep on knocking me down.

I am not asking for a relationship... I am asking for a friendship, for your support, for your respect and in return you get my friendship, support and respect. 




Blindsided


blind-side or blind·side (blndsd)
tr.v. blind-sid·ed or blind·sid·edblind-sid·ing or blind·sid·ingblind-sides or blind·sides
1. To hit or attack on or from the blind side.
2. To catch or take unawares, especially with harmful or detrimental results: "The recent recession, with its wave of corporate cost-cutting, blind-sided many lawyers" (Aric Press).



You blindsided me and you just keep on blindsiding me... 

You are correct when you said that in Melbourne, you talked of meeting someone else but I asked that you gave US a chance and that you would be honest with me... then you continued our relationship like you were giving US a chance. 

Not only did our relationship continue but you talked about the future, talked about US being together, about me and you doing things this year and also about the future... I understand that you life was in turmoil and so I wasn't holding you to any of those comments but they gave me expectations. I believed you were giving US a chance. 

The first time you blindsided me was in April... I understand that there was a connection with Janette, I understand that because I have experienced that... with YOU. The thing that hurt the most, you spent the night before I flew in with her... then you got caught out and told me, no plans of being honest with me or giving me a chance, the things you had agreed to only a month earlier. 

I did my best to understand, I did my best to be supportive... I know that I was not that successful with that and that is because I was hurting, I could see that there was nothing I could do and I could be losing you. 

You then made a decision... I was so relieved and happy, you were giving US a chance. Our lives continued and WE made plans, WE looked ahead...

Then again you blindsided me, this time you were honest with me... You told me before you slept with her, well that is what you said. Once again I was hurt, once again I felt I was losing you... 

Then again you blindsided me, you wanted us both, you wanted me to continue to be the other woman... that hurt, we have a history, I thought we had something special. 

I expressed my hurt and I got blindsided again... you told me if anyone should understand then it should be me with my history and seeing 4 men at once.. hurt once again, not only because that was mean but I had put my trust in you and told you my past and here you were throwing it back at me.

You said you had to make a decision and stick to it... why couldn't you stick to the last decision. 

I received your email and I thought I had lost you... yes that is how I felt when I read that email but then...

We spent the day on the phone, we talked, we chatted, we flirted... I thought maybe I had read something into it that was not there, I thought we were okay

You flew in, you gave me flowers, we were good together, I thought we were okay

Then I was blindsided... you say I should have seen it but that is not what I saw, I saw you giving US a go

You said a lot of things that weekend and left me feeling confused and hurt me... I don't want to go through them but I do wish you could explain why you have ended our relationship. 

You said you still love me, you said that if I was in Sydney it would be different, you said if I was in Sydney that Janette would not be part of the story, you say that it is nothing I have done but it is you. Explain it to me...

I have accepted our relationship is over but you said that you wanted to be my friend... I told you to meet me halfway and to make an effort.  For the last week I have tried to make that work, I have listened, I have offered my support and I turned to you when I am hurting. Do you think you have made an effort?

Today we were talking, we were fine... you mentioned where you were going, of course I was going to ask why... I got blindsided, I understand that you are seeing Janette that is not what blindsided me... you were meeting her daughter and grand-child. If you properly started your relationship after ending it with me, which is how you made it sound to me, then it has been less than three weeks. Three weeks... we were together for 7 years and you never made an effort to meet my friends or for me. I was blindsided

You are right the first part of our relationship could never exist in the eyes of your family or friends but the way you spoke today it is like it never existed to you, that hurt. What we have shared has been something special... a caring, supportive, loving relationship for both of us. Yes, it started as something that was sexual, just sexual but it grew and developed in to something a lot more and for you to dismiss that as just nothing is a blindside

I'm not trying to make you feel bad with this email, I just want you to understand how I'm feeling, why I'm hurting...

I love you, I still love you... I accept our relationship is over but I was hoping that we could still be a part of each others lives but you are not meeting me halfway, you are not making an effort... we spoke on Wednesday night and I was a complete mess, I didn't hear from you until I checked on you... I checked on you because I was worried about how you were feeling, I was being a friend but I didn't get the same respect from you. 

Today I mention how I was feeling and you get defensive and turn it back on me... your response was that you should be able to tell a friend who you were going to see. Maybe we see friendship and respect differently because for me you are aware of friends situations, feelings and emotions and watch what you say.  I shouldn't have said anything, just swallowed by hurt but I thought we were being honest and trying.

Writing this I feel like a complete fool,you would think I would have learnt by now and stopped putting myself in the situation to be hurt but even now I'm willing to be your friend. 

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Day 18...

I had a bad day, I turned to you...
It got worse and I turned to you again...
Thank you.

I told you yesterday that even if you turned around and said that you wanted me back I would say no... you seemed surprised by that, I can't put myself in a situation where I am hurt again. I don't know what will happen in the future but now I need to heal.

You are going through a tough time... don't block me out, I am your friend and I can help and support you.

We can get through this... we can be friends...

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Day 16...

I don't think we can be friends...
I do want to be friends... But it feels so very awkward between the two of us and I would prefer no contact then that.

I have promised myself that I'm not going to contact you until the weekend when I send a quali email, I need the distance but I also need to see your reaction.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Day 13...

We spoke yesterday... It was hard because I was so torn. It was wonderful to hear your voice but it hurt as well.

We did the casual chat which at times was a little awkward but we did okay until you said that you were sorry...

Yes, I'm hurting and yes you caused that but if we are going to have any sort of friendship WE need to let it go.

I'm trying to be your friend but I'm struggling a little... I said in a text yesterday "if you want me in your life as a friend you need to at least meet me in the middle and work at it". Looking back at our relationship I now feel I gave more than you did... I'm not  having a go at you but I do feel that for us to work at any level you need to work more at it.

At the moment we are really only talking F1... It's a starting point, lets see how we go, I feel at the moment we are scared to venture too far into other subjects.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Day 11...

You have cut me out of your life...

Yesterday I accidentally sent you a text...
I then sent an email apologising..,
I got no reply from you...

I didn't mean to send you a text but it hurts I got no reply...


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Day 10...

I feel like such a fool...

Us, our relationship meant a lot to me... I believe I did everything I could for us but now I wonder if I was reading more into us then there ever was, I believed your words...

Were they just words to you...
Did you mean any of them...

I have re-read text messages and emails, I still believes those words so I feel like such a fool because you couldn't have meant them or I wouldn't be feeling like this now...

Did you mean any of them....

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Day 9..,

I still don't understand what happened....
I still din't understand why you would end something that worked so well.

 I have taken all but one of the photos of us off my phone but I look at that one photo and we look so happy. It was taken at Vivid and not only do we look happy, I am sure we were happy...

I do wonder how you are feeling....
Part of me hopes that you are doing okay and not feeling like I am...  the thought that we are both feeling this bad makes no sense
Part of me hopes that you are missing me and am feeling awful... if you're not then what we had was nothing

Monday, June 24, 2013

Grief and loss...

Grief is a hard thing... only someone who has or is experiencing it can understand it but even then it is different for everyone...

Fourteen months ago I lost my boy, my one and only son... the journey has been difficult and hard but I thought I was getting stronger. How very wrong I am

I know that I am fragile at the moment, I'm suffering another loss at the moment... the loss of you... and that makes everything so much harder

Tonight's news was tough... six fatals in the last forty-eight hours... the tears are freely falling, I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I feel like I have taken a huge backward step

I need a hug

Day 8..,

I miss you...

I miss sharing things with you, not even the big things but just everyday things... you have been such a big, loving, supportive part of my life and I miss that.

Today I was looking after Trent while Mum and Dad were off at Dad's treatment and I took some photos... my first emotion was excitement at the  thought sharing them with you, my second emotion hurt because I can't.

For years I have carried my phone everywhere with me because it has been a lifeline to you, every time my phone dinged with a message I was excited hoping it was you... and I would be so happy to see your name. Now my phone dings and I feel disappointed...

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Truth...

The ones we love have the power to hurt us the most...

Day 7...

It is a week today since I walked away from you at the airport...
It is a week today since I last had contact from you, a simple text "Goodbye .. xoxo"

I have spent the week hurting, missing you...
I will continue to hurt and miss you.

Last night though I realised we can't play the game and we need to have no contact... for two reasons, for us to move on but also for us to have a chance at any sort of a future relationship, even friendship.

I don't want anyone else... I want you but I now am really letting you go, so even if you pick up that ball and want to play you are alone.

I believe our paths will cross again, the question is when they do will it be right for both of us...

I still miss you...

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Day 6...

No contact from you...
I feel very alone....
I miss you.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Day 5....

I sent you the DVD, you should receive it today...

I now wonder if I will get a response from you...
I now wonder if I want a response from you...
I now wonder how I will feel if I get a response from you...
I now wonder how I will feel if I don't get a response from you...

I feel the ball is in your court... the question is are we going to play?

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Day 4...

This time last week I sat here at work on this very shift so very excited... it was only hours until you arrived in my hometown , you were coming to me, we were going to have four wonderful nights together....

You arrived, flowers, smiles, hugs, kisses, sex... I felt good, as always it felt right when we were together

When we were together it has always felt right...

For me what we had was something I had never had before, it started as something I knew, a physical relationship, but it grew so quickly to something more... We had a connection or so I thought. 

Your actions last weekend have made me wonder if in your mind our relationship ever changed to anything more than a physical relationship 

I believe if I was to ask you that you would say yes, of course our relationship was more than just physical but now I wonder if that is the truth and how much was ever true...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Day 3...

Is it getting easier... NO!!!

I'm hurting and the person I normally turn to is the same person that is causing that pain... I do have others surrounding me, trying to help and support me but it is not the same.

I want to ring you, I want to talk to you but I know it will do neither of us any good... I have to let you go.

I recorded a show on Foxtel for you, I have put it on DVD, it is in my bag.... I want to send it to you but I know I shouldn't.

I think of you all the time and I'm left wondering if you are thinking of me...

I miss you

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Morning of day 2....

I'm back at work... I'm dreading the day because I'm going to be asked the question "how was your weekend"!!! Everyone knew my plans, I sat here all day Friday with the flowers you gave me so of course they asked and of course I told them... I was happy and excited.

What a fool I am....

Monday, June 17, 2013

1 day gone...

A day has passed since you walked away and I had to let you go... I miss you.

I am respecting your decision and not contacting you... I need to be strong. Being strong sounds easy but it's not I'm struggling and feel I have no one to turn to, normally when I feel like this I turn to YOU and YOU make me feel better... even from afar.

I don't understand your decision... We work, we make each other happy, we are so good together but you are walking away from that.

I know that you had your concerns about me moving... what if it didn't work, what if I didn't like your hometown, what if I missed my hometown... all things that I had thought of but a risk I would take for us.

I know you feel that you need a break between our past and our future .. not for us but for everyone else in your life... our past is always going to be there so I don't understand this.

I am sorry about how I reacted over the weekend... but the hurt and pain took over... Sorry.